How we watch the 9:30 pm news

9:29 pm
At the conclusion of the Miss Singapore Universe Prelude 2005
(aka just another excuse for MediaCorp and SingTel to make money off an SMS voting "event")
Me: And now, we return you to your originally scheduled programming. In the news tonight: absolutely nothing happened in Singapore. Again.

9:32 pm
During a news story about making blue-collar jobs more attractive, with an interview with an elderly woman who cleans tables at a coffeeshop
Friend: "And now, instead of $500 a month, I make $550 a month!"
Terz: And no one thinks to ask why someone her age still has to work instead of enjoying life...
Friend: This is Singapore. You have to work till you die.
Terz: You retire, collect your CPF. Then two years later, you go back to work again.
Me: Till you die.

9:37 pm
The headline reads "Phase out retrenchment" while the newscaster recites something about a union encouraging Maxtor to retrench its workers gradually rather than all at once
Friend: You'd think with a headline like "Phase out retrenchment", it'd be about how they're going to stop retrenching people. Who writes these stupid headlines anyway?

9:43 pm
The latest in possible anti-terrorism efforts: requiring registration for purchases of pre-paid phone cards
Me: How Orwellian of them. Because if I'm a terrorist, I'm going to let something like registering for a pre-paid phone card stop me from executing my evil terrorist plot.

9:46 pm
The demonstration of a colorectal cancer home test kit, involving sticking the needle into 6 different points in one's stool
All: EWWWWWWW!!!!!
Friend: It's ... it's ... Mr Hanky the Christmas Pooh!

9:52 pm
Ferrari launches its new line of Ferrari Fashion
Friend: Who the heck is going to wear Ferrari clothes?
Me: The same people who wear all those sports jerseys and F1 T-shirts. Don't worry --- they'll make lots of money.


At 3/06/2005 10:03 am , Blogger Packrat said...

Re: Ferrari...

Because some people like looking like a sports car threw up on them...

At 3/06/2005 8:03 pm , Blogger Agagooga said...

Watching the news never was so fun.

You should organise a news watching session one day.

At 3/06/2005 10:14 pm , Blogger NARDAC said...

Sounds like the news is the most entertaining thing on Singaporean television...at least you could get a laugh at it, without resorting to massive inebriation.

Here in france, we just watch Jacques Chirac to get our jollies... plus, we have to be smashface drunk.

I hate the news... it's always shitty. Why don't they just make up something... like Unicorns battle to save earth from global warming...and WIN!

At 3/07/2005 3:39 am , Blogger Abigael said...

Switching over to Channel 8 news ... I marvel at how my mum and aunties watch it just to comment on the anchor's hairstyle lah, how the lipstick doesn't match her suit lah ...

It's official ... we watch news NOT for the news. It's to either diss it or for the fashion faux pas.

At 3/07/2005 10:31 am , Blogger Tym said...

I don't think I could do this sort of mocking too often --- too painful. And most days, the news is just blah, nothing you can even pick apart.

Nardac --- I agree, we need more unicorn news.

Abigael --- Lipstick and outfits notwithstand, Channel 8 and Channel U news bulletins are a world apart from Channel 5!

At 3/11/2005 9:52 pm , Blogger zeenie said...

Maybe we should get the news from Russia with the newsreader that strips off her clothes while she reads the news. That oughta make the daily dose of depression more interesting...


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