8.4.07

Confession

Warning: extremely uncharacteristically angsty emo post ahead.

I had enough blog post ideas to cover every day this past week, but finding the time to write them proved to be more challenging than I imagined. So there will be no posts about turning down a copywriting job because of ethical issues, ordering the Buffy Season 8 comic (never mind that it's a second-print), enjoying The Devil Wears Prada more than I expected (maybe the Lana cake helped), attempting (very badly) to dance at Movida after a day of mild aggravations, cheering Shirlyn's Newfound Jealousy album launch or long conversations about where all this is going.

Suffice to say the following:

I am not as well as I appear to be. Contrary to conventional wisdom, it gets harder everyday. I've had too many good days --- or what felt like good days, anyway --- and now it's like all the bad days are showing up to claim their due. The crying is ridiculous, at this point. Just call me Chemical-Dependent Emo Girl and be done with it (the chemicals being alcohol and caffeine, not anything that requires a prescription or psychiatric examination).

I don't usually write about less-than-thrilling personal affairs on this blog because, well, because that's just the sort of blog I keep. But I realise that as a result of that editorial policy, this blog of late has painted a perhaps too-pretty picture of life post-separation/-breakup. Not that I was deliberately glossing over the less photogenic moments, but it was more important at the time to just get back to writing about something, even if it was as inconsequential as what I had for dinner or Urban Dictionary's word of the day.

Now ...

I'm not about to start letting all kinds of emotional foofaraw rip on this blog, but now I know why leaving the country seems like a good idea. A cheaper alternative is just to start screening calls. Not that anyone's become persona non grata overnight, but it's positively exhausting to talk about it all the time, yet to not talk about it seems to be a pathetic attempt to ignore the elephant in the room.

A friend commented earlier this week that maybe all the crying is because of the emotions that have been bottled up for some time, because I'm not the kind of person that lets on that I'm upset, and now it's time when I just have to let it all out. Maybe so, but can it all just be over, please?

PS: I'm leaving the comments open, because that's my editorial policy, but seriously, this is not a desperate cry for help or plea for internet-conveyed sympathies and pats-on-the-head. I'm writing because I need to write, and also need to have this on my blog. At the same time, I've consulted those nearest and dearest for advice, Kleenex and comfort food. So don't panic that I'm moping in front of my laptop or anything.

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4 Comments:

At 4/09/2007 7:53 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there, everything happens for a reason, tho' it may not be completely clear at the moment why, or even after a long time.. but still, you cry for a reason, you write for a reason, you use kleenex for a reason, you say it out loud online for a reason, etc. It's really not for us to find the reason/s sometimes, and to just let things take their flow, the reason/s will come, sometime.

Take good care and be open to possibilities. It's all good.

cy

 
At 4/09/2007 8:10 pm , Anonymous nardac said...

Sometimes, you know, a blog is just there to express, like a safety valve. I hear ya.

 
At 4/10/2007 10:00 am , Blogger Anthony said...

Well, you have my sympathy even if you didn't ask for it. Take care.

 
At 4/12/2007 11:57 pm , Blogger tscd said...

After any significant life changes, it is normal to have a period of adjustment and emotional lability (ie. crying or getting upset for no apparent reason). Some people refer to this as the 'grieving process'. This lasts about 6 months on average.

It's good that you have an outlet - don't beat yourself up for being a normal person.

 

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